*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.