@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

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@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@envydatropic

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

@Wakenbake77

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@Book_Krazy

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

@Trillburne

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.