I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room
[whispers] “you said debriefing”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.