Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”