*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
You Might Also Like
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.