Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When ur friends with white people
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?