Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.