Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse