SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers