Spoiler Alert: I was late
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
new wife guy just dropped
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three