SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Straight people are cancelled
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
couldn’t resist
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
#dnd #ttrpg
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting