SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Krampus.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.