@rainnwilson

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

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@BacklineNurse

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

@Shade510

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

@DrunjAF

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@pittdave13

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

@seamussaid

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!