@BacklineNurse The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
@rainnwilson SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
You Might Also Like
@BacklineNurse 
@TheAlexNevil Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
@Shade510 “You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
@DrunjAF Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
@pittdave13 Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
@KimmyMonte Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
@shegotagronk @funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
@seamussaid Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
@Breadery Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
@AnkCoupleTO Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!