@MegsHAUSTED

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

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@jesswho82

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

@JimmerThatisAll

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

@LackOfShame

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

@AdamBroud

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

@TheHyyyype

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@Darlainky

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista