Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy