Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.