Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.