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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!