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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.