[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
⛄️
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
OKAY DAD
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.