Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king