Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”