Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

Rather alarming headline…

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.