Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Lmbo
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.