Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
You Might Also Like
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Not my job 😂
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually