Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Lmaoo 😂
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Got him!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.