SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I hate everything
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…