SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…