*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The game has officially changed 😎
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!