*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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I am HOWLING at this
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Thursday Thought.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes