Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
You Might Also Like
I will never stop laughing at this
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I hate when that happens.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m having an out of money experience.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Attacked by a mop.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Dietest Coke
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.