[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar