Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
hackers play passwordle
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers