*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I feel seen
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Labreador
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
So that’s what we looked like?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Happy Febuary everyone!
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.