Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh