Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.