Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.


You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor


LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*


“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”


when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”


Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes


[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.