@neuroticagirl

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

@SteveSuckington

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

@UncleDuke1969

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.