Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Just parrot things
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words