squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Jurassic park gets weird
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty