squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.