squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
What an awful time to have common sense.
😆this is so true
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button