Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely