Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.