Squirrels before girls.
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.