Squirrels before girls.

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People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?


Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:


Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.


Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.


Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.


Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.


Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.


I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning


The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.


Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points