@scorpiusryan21

Squirrels before girls.

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@thrill_tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@RickAaron

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@o__0Dev

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@mxmclain

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: