Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.


I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..


Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”


I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”


I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.


My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.