Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know