@JimmerThatisAll

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

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@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@Token_Geezer

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@BillFienberg

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

@Gorrdano

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@noog

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

@MoistPork

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.