@JimmerThatisAll

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

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@noog

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

@IDontSpeakWhine

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

@ch000ch

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

@WhatevaConc

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

@TheAlexP

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.