Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
when nothing goes right… go left
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena