sry
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe