Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids