St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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This meal prepping shit easy
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
every single time
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow