St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.