St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“Why you watching this shit?”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
thanks auntie mary
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.