St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy