[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The devil.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.