[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
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(人__つ_つ
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
my retirement plan is braless
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin